Happy Valentines Day **OR** You'll Never Find Happiness!

Happy Valentine's Day/Hey there, lonely loser!

I hope you're having fun with your loved ones/crying into your pillow over the pointlessness of existance. 

Today is a day to celebrate love/mock those of us are so disfunctional we're unable to love.

******

Does anyone else feel like valentine's day is a complete load? Maybe I'm just bitter because I'm alone, but I definately do. And I don't mean in a "Corporate Holiday Invented By Greetings Card Companies" kinda way. I mean in a "Reminding Single People That They Are Going To Die Alone" kind of way. I mean, I know that unless I make some major lifestyle changes  (i.e. adopt a normal sleeping pattern and standards of hygiene; stop swearing so much; cut down from 30 cups of coffee a day; learn to talk about something other than myself and indie-pop music) i'm going to die unfulfilled in a hovel aged 58. And I accept that. I'd just rather not be reminded of it.

I enclose a recipe for the occasion: a Saint Valentine's Day Dinner (for one).

MELODRAMATIC HEARTBREAK SOUP


Ingredients:
1 Beef Heart
2 Carrots
An aubergine
An Onion
1/2 head of celery
A head of garlic (hey, it's not like you're gonna be kissing anyone tonight!)
1 pt of Stock
2tbsp Motor Oil
6x500mg Vicodin Tablets

1) Peel and chop the onion, garlic and celery. Add to the pan and soften in the motor oil. Try not to vomit at the smell- you'll need that for when you catch a glimpse of your hideous reflection in the toaster!
2) Finely chop the carrots, pausing only to contemplate their mocking phallic shape. Maybe that's why she left you? Add to the pan.
3) Take the beef heart in your hand. Consider how soft and fragile it is, how yielding it is to the touch, and how easy it would be to shatter it without a second thought. Place the heart in a pestle and mortar and pound it to a pulp, yelling "Bitch! I'll NEVER love again!"
4) Add the heart to the pan and allow to steep in ennui.
5) Dice the aubergine, but do not peel or salt it- we want to preserve that bitterness to offset your crushing sense of abandonment.
6) Add the aubergine, stock and crushed vicodin to the pan, reduce the heat and simmer for 30mins. Season with your own tears to taste.
7) Allow the soup to cool completely before serving- remember, you want to feel lonely, cold and alone and two-out-of-three won't cut it!
8) For best results, pour the soup down the toilet. It's not healthy to obsess over lost loves, and noone ever found happiness through fetishising loneliness. Yes, we all feel abandoned from time to time, but when you let your feelings of inadequacy rule you, you miss out on meeting new people, seeing exciting places and experiencing the wonders this fleeting existance has to offer. Go outside, connect with another human being and who knows? Maybe you'll find love? Or a friend? Or at least a good story. People often forget that few Books of Life are epic novels. Most are collections of short stories- funny ones, sad ones, exciting ones, silly ones, ones where you see the twist a mile off. If a chapter's ended, pick up the proverbial pen and start anew. You've got a while, I'd bet. Now... go!


(Normal Sugar Pill Service will resume tomorrow).