As a public broadcaster, I'm not allowed to support any of the candidates on air in accordance with Ofcom guidelines. However, the internet is still an unfettered bastion of
4chan child-pornography rings free-speech. Bearing that in mind, I'm going to offer up my skills in predicting the 2010 General Election!
The election, as ever, will be decided by groups of swing voters. Some political commentators estimate the number of people you need to "swing" to win an election as low as a couple of thousand. This is a fact recognised by the 3 major parties, who tailor their policies to appeal to these key demographics and go on to give them patronising names. You might remember
Mondeo Man (you know, a guy who owns a mondeo and will vote for anyone who promises "Free Parking for Mondeos, but not for Passats as, quite frankly, the fuel economy is great but the drive is stiff and sluggish"),
Worcester Woman (Intellectual property rights to cover Lea & Perrins secret recipe) and
Pebbledash People (erm, no, me neither). Of course, these voters eventually become absorbed into the status quo- their made-to-measure policies become party canon and a new demographic is found. In short, the old "key demographics" are no longer relevant (due in part to the lack-lustre interior of the new Mondeo Ghia). That's where I come in...
Who's better qualified to identify what's "Culturally Relevant" than someone who spends more time chasing the zeitgeist than studying for his degree? And I'm not alone. Generations Y through X don't care about "Better Policing", "Tax Rebates" or "Economic Stability"- we're much more concerned with "Meow Meow", "Free iTunes Giftcards" and "Who Will Headline Glastonbury". This election will be determined by first-time voters, and so, with much fanfare, I present to you the
Three Key Indierock Demographics of 2010
1.) Reading Man
No, not a man who reads. That'd be silly- that'd be too much of a strain on the education system, and legalising books and free thought would put our firemen out of work. I mean a man who goes to Reading Festival in spite of being between the age of 28-35. Too old to really
"get it" but too
"young at heart" to realise that a bunch of 16 year olds celebrating the end of GCSEs with a Ketamine binge and a weekend of pretending to be alternative is no place to spend your life. Keeps company with those significantly younger than himself- it is not unheard of him to date those still in their teens (so David Cameron's young couple's allowance won't benefit him much unless her parents consent to the marriage). He likes new-bands-that-sound-like-old-bands, so sympathises with Gordon Brown's personal brand (Tony Blair meets Highlander). Likely identifies a "Gig Promoter", an "Event Photographer" or any other non-job sponging off DJs/Bands/Actual talent, although in reality a 9-5 wage slave like the rest of us. He is unlikely to have any opinion on taxation beyond that the 30% tax hike on cider is going too far. His political colours are traditionally yellow, as he identifies as a free thinker and progressive despite only supporting them because he still thinks Charles Kennedy is the leader and the party support the decriminalisation of canabis.
2.) AltWAGS
The AltWAG is
that girl who hangs out at a painfully hip bar surrounded by painfully hip arseholes- the kind of upper-middle class white boys who think Dr Dre really speaks to them
(Erm, Andy?- Ed). She achieves the kind of twee perfection only afforded by someone with both the time and money to buy clothes at American Apparel and North-London vintage boutiques, rather than make do with Help the Aged and Primark like the rest of us. Her main goals in life are to look like Topshop and Oxfam had a grueling night of passion out by the bins, to date someone deep and meaningful whilst rich and trendy enough to really "understand her needs". She only judges people worth talking to if they are a DJ/Band member, not that i'm bitter or anything... By that logic, David Cameron is likely to appeal- his favourite album is The Smith's "The Queen is Dead", and she really loves them too but can't remember which song is her favourite it's that really famous one what's your favourite? Oh, her too! This demographic likely leans towards the Conservatives due to a combination of blue being totally in this season and her daddy being a colonel.
3.) Rage Against X-factor Dude
"Man, it's all about capitalist society and like social justice and stuff". The Rage-Dude is the kind of guy (or girl) who lists their Facebook interests as "Kurt Vonnegut, JD Salinger, The Dead Kennedys, < insert ironic movie title here >, and is keen for everyone else to appreciate the message rather than enjoy the content. The kind of person who is really spoken to by things at times, like that copy of the Communist Manifesto he never read (all the good quotes are on Wikipedia anyway). Not to say he isn't sincere, but merely a theoretical radical rather than a practical one- prose before protests. He opposes globalisation and the walmart effect, but shops at ASDA and frequents Wetherspoons (1p of every pint goes to UKIP!). His revolutionary fire still burns strong; however it's only a matter of time before he settles down to become a Mondeo Man (circa 2002). In the orange zone, he'll likely convince himself he's "voting tactically" rather than admit that Socialism in the Labour party is deader than John Smith.
Stay tuned for the next instalment: Which Leader is has the best taste in music?
