ELECTION SELECTIONS 2- Cameron & Clegg's Clobber (A Sartotial Outlook)

As the leader's debates cover our screens, newspapers and blogs like the last dregs of conditioner in a greasy mass of hair and dead skin, the electorate are left asking questions. What are the ramifications of the Conservative's tax policies? Do Nick Clegg's budget cuts and splurges add up? Is Gordon Brown really The Head from Art Attack, as reimagined by Max Ernst? Overall, we're left asking: who is the best equipped to run the country? My mother always used to say "you can tell a lot about a man from the cut of his suit", but then again she also used to say that "White Chicks" was a multilayered commentary on Reaganomics, and possibly the best film of all time.

Unemployment rises and declining real-value wages forced many hardworking federal agents to adopt second jobs and moonlight in mediocre Wayans Brother Buddy-Comedy Vehicles

To this question, I shall provide an answer- how much can you tell about the party leaders by the way they dress? Read on, and vote accordingly.

David Cameron

David Cameron opted for a sharp white collar/blue tie combination. Steely, cold and confident, this is a look that strikes fear into the heart of miners, unionised workers and Argentinian generals with millitaristic ambitions everywhere. Of course, this could have been achieved through adopting even more of Maggie's wardrobe, save for the fact that, following her departure from office, she ordered that her sweater sets be burnt lest a pretender to the crown were to don them. I'd like to think his outfit was chosen by a spin steering committe, but it's much more plausible that Mr Cameron only sees occasion to own a single tie...

Nick Clegg

St Nicholas of Clegg, comfortable in the knowledge that, just hours from now, papers would be hailing him as "The New Obama" on a slow news day, decided to go with a garish yellow/gold number. This seems insulting to Barry O- not only is Clegg slightly more acceptable fayre for the W.I "Weird Crush" poll, but Barack is wondering exactly when he became "The Old Obama". Either way, the tie is hideous- it's only possible justification? To avoid being mistaken for David "Kirk" Cameron.

Gordon Brown

In a break from the pre-established prescident, Gordon eschewed the traditional party colours and lumped for an understated blue and pink pastel combo. Keen to depict himself not as the violent, grumpy man we are all familar with, but a gentle giant, evoking perhaps the memory of Frankie Faison in Keenen Ivory Wayans' magnum opus "White Chicks". A capital combination, Brown avoids the tactical blunder of a red tie bringing out his rosy jowls and making him look like a melting crayfish.

Conclusion- All these tactical ties make me miss the "Good Old Days" when men were men, choppin' down trees, kissin' babies and displaying their political colours on their chest in the form of a riddiculous, novelty rosette as if the candidate had just won first place in the church fete's "Dishiest Liberal Democrat" contest. Those were simpler times, when campaigns were carried out from speakers on car, people didn't mince words and everyone was shit-scared of Commies, Gypsies, Gays and Blacks.

On second thoughts, I'm glad times have changed and noone's stupid enough to buy that shit anymore.....

Ah....

COMING SOON- Andy Gets bored of elections, writes review of new Fall album. Stay tuned for new Sugar Pill on CUR1350 dot com